Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
