im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
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Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
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I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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