Three words: puerto rican gang bang
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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