He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize
