hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
