mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Your penis caused this!
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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