THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
