But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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