I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
