why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
