God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
