what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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