The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
