my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
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I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
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Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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