I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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