An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
