the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
