I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
