Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
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