The maid of honor just puked.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
