Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I just found puke in my bra..
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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