well I can't set my house on fire every night
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
