That's when you crack a 10am beer
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
