I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Randomize
