The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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