You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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