if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
