Just cropdusted the office
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
