i think my tv is drunk
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
