I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Randomize
