you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
