i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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