Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
40s are totally the cure
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
