the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
