I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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