We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
