I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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