the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
