My sheets look like a crime scene.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Randomize