I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
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