Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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