I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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