I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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