No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
