then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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