Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Welp...herpes.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
