I wish I could teleport
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
