I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Randomize
