From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
These 19 Teachers Had Very Inappropriate Interactions With Students
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Women Confess 25 Instant Deal-Breakers On A Man’s Dating Profile
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
