the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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