so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
