I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Less talking, more tequila
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
