I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
