True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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