Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
