I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
