I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
