Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
