I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
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